My name is “GOSSIP”

         *       I am more deadly than the screaming shell of the cannon.
        *       I win without killing.
        *       I tear down homes, break hearts, wreck lives.
        *       I travel on the wings of the wind.
        *       No innocence is strong enough to intimidate me, no purity pure enough to daunt me.
        *       I have no regard for truth, no respect for justice, no mercy for the
                defenceless.
        *       My victims are as numerous as the sands of the sea and often as
                innocent.
        *       I never forget and seldom forgive.
        *       My Name is GOSSIP.
        (Source Unknown)

Susanna’s Tapestry

“Prayer”

Come my soul, thy suit prepare
Jesus loves to answer prayer
He himself as bid they pray
Therefore will not say they nay

Thou art coming to a king
Large petitions with thee bring
For his grace and power are such
None can ever ask to much

Lord I come to thee for rest,
Take possession of my breast
There thy blood bought right maintain
And without a rival reign.

While I am a pilgrim here,
Let thy love my spirit cheer,
As my guide, my guard, my friend.
Lead me to my journey’s end.

Show me what I have to do
Every hour my strength renew,
Let me live a life of faith
Let me die thy people’s death

Susanna Watters 1860

Smiles

The bifocals

A preacher went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a pair of new bifocals.  The reading portion of the glassesimproved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn't work so well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them.  He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing problems.  "I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses," he said. "You see when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me feel sick."  

Know what to do

The town's fire prevention officer was conducting a health and safety course at the local church.  The officer said to the minister:   “Now imagine this:  it is a Sunday morning and you have a number of people, spread throughout your church building.  Some are in the choir stalls, some are in the kitchen, and some are in the nave.  Suddenly, a big fire breaks out.  What are the first steps you would take?”

The minister thought carefully for a moment.  “Really big ones,” he said.

Don’t Worry

A little boy was told that he should try and be good, and that he could ask God for help with this.   So he prayed:  “Lord,  please make me good, if you can.  But if you can’t, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

Family Tree

At a drinks party at a wealthy golf club, the conversation turned to the subject of ancestry.  "Of course, we trace our family back to coming over with William the Conqueror,” observed one lady with satisfaction.   She turned to a second woman, who was new to the club,  and asked, "What about you dear? Can you go back very far?”

"Not very far,” came the reply.  “You see,  all the early family records were lost in the Flood."

Medical Name

The Curate told his doctor that he was worried because he just wasn't able to do all the things around the parish that his Rector expected him to do.  When the examination was complete, he said, "I’m prepared for the worst, doctor.  Just tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the Curate. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my Rector."

My bank wrote to me

Roses are red, violets are blue; please come and talk to us – you overdrew. 

Rev Dr. G. Bowness’ tongue-in-cheek letter.
 The Rectory, St. James the Least of All
On the challenge of hitting 11 o’clock precisely....

My dear Nephew Darren

It is a great shame that your church doesn’t have chandeliers – although in your low-ceilinged converted cinema, any chandelier more than a few feet tall would also be embedded in your floor carpeting.   But I find that there is nothing like watching the standard bearers on Remembrance Sunday parading up the aisle with their flags and getting them caught up in our brass candelabra.

One year, the procession ground to a halt while a bearer fought to retrieve his flag, and was obliged to leave it flying in the centre of the church while he presented me with an empty pole. I always feel obliged to tell parishioners the previous week, that since all the candelabra will inevitably be sent spinning, not to stare at them, or they may leave the church hypnotised. On the other hand, Miss Simpson generally leaves the church looking like that.

Major Hastings always arrives bejewelled with so many medals that every time he kneels for prayer, it sounds as if he is taking the collection. Their weight increases his stoop by at least ten degrees, to the point where some feel we should support him with a personal flying buttress.

Since the trumpeter playing the Last Post can be of varying quality, your idea of broadcasting it from London into your church is inspired. However, your worries about whether your radio will be good enough need not trouble you. If you tell your congregation that they are about to hear the broadcast silence and you then simply not switch the thing on, no one will be able to tell the slightest difference whether the silence is being broadcast or not. In fact, they will even congratulate you on hitting 11am at exactly the right moment.

I always use subterfuge; I have the church clock disconnected and then when we reach the time for silence, irrespective of the true time, I get a churchwarden to toll the bell eleven times. This way, I have apparently come to the exact moment without a hitch for the last 30 years.

You will also find that preaching about warfare and of man’s inhumanity to man will give you greater insights into the working of your church council. The only difference is that on committees – sadly – the use of machine guns is rather frowned on.

Your loving uncle,
Eustace